Hmmm

This being positive thing is a lot harder than I had anticipated. It is just way to easy to be negative, in fact, it seems like the world encourages it. Plus why do we always have to be positive? Who said being negative was that bad anyway? I feel that in life you need balance, you need extremes for both sides of an issue to make the world work, its unfortunate, but that's the way it is. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. True story. Anyways the point is, maybe I'm just supposed to be the pessimist to the optimists in my life? The more i fight it the worse i will fell. So why not just accept my fate and go on my pessimistic, negative, un-positive way? On a side note, today when I was driving home from my afternoon appointment, i had a weird flashback to the horrid trip i took to Idaho about 6 months ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have tried to block it out, like some sort of crappy dream, but alas today it came roaring back. It was so surreal, I honestly think I try to play it off like it didn't happen because it was so emotionally devastating that If i accept that it really happened then i will go off the deep end. It was such an emotional crash after such an emotional high, Like being atop Mt. Everest one moment (being baptized and confirmed) and then plunging to Marianas Trench. (It's near Guam and is 35,840 feet (10,924 m) deep.) (Making that trip and having everything as i knew it come tumbling down on my shoulders). The worst part about it was having 10 hours to sit by myself and think about everything that was ever said, and what a load of Bull*hit it must have all been. Now that i think about it, it makes me so angry that someone who claimed to love me could do that to me... like angry beyond words. I mean everything happens for a reason, sure, but ugh... Like i said, it hit me like a ton of bricks today, and I don't like to dwell (thats a lie because i really do, clearly), but it seems as though My brain is trying to tell my heart to deal with it, rationalize it (although there is clearly nothing rational about the situation), accept it, and let it go... let her go, instead of just dismissing it and keeping it locked away in some small desolate corner of my being. Don't get me wrong, I have made leaps and bounds in the last few months, and am more Ok about it now than i thought i would be, but there is still a bit of linger.... anyways thats all.