Weird mood.

So for the last few days, I have been in a weird mood. I'm not sure what exactly to attribute this to. Anyways quick recap of the last few days. Thursday was pretty uneventful, just felt like death. Friday was pretty Awesome... Work sucked, but then i came home and got to take a nice nap. Natalie came over and we hung out for a bit. For the evening Halloween festivities I went to Brittany Binghams sister's house, It was a good time. Mormon dances... what can i say about them.... There interesting that's for sure. On Saturday I won my rugby game 51-8, I scored 3 tries and probably played the best game of my life. Went to Joe's to watch ghost busters. Sunday was good, lots of good food. OK enough recap. Yesterday my father would have been 43 years old had he not decided to take his own life. I can't think of what he would be like had he been here, and that bothers me... I didn't even know him. Most of the time I like to think his suicide doesn't really effect me because I had no control over it, but I'm sure it does on some level. Like my issues with fear of abandonment and things of that nature. It's interesting because there's pictures of him all over this house and yet most of the time i don't give the fact hes not here a second thought. I can barely remember things about him from when he was here, and it seems as the years go by the memories fade more and more, replaced with subtle images from things we may or may not have done... Sometimes i don't even know if what i call memories are even real. If there not just some happy picture my mind paints to fill in the void left of not having a father due to tragic circumstances. It feels as though soon he will just be a name and a picture which is sad, but I only knew him until i was 4, and he wasn't around all that much during those 4 years anyway. However on certain occasions, such as his birthday, and the day of his death, I can't avoid certain thoughts and feelings. I can't help but think how different things could have been, it sends my mind all over the place, who knows how things would have turned out? I guess I shouldn't dwell on it because what's done is done and there is no coming back from death, not in this life. I also tend to think about what it would be like to be in such a place, that death is the only option. A place where the only relief comes from a way out, with no way back in. I can't fathom pain that can only be subdued by a self inflicted bullet to end it all... the form of relief only brought by an exit from the world where you leave behind the family and friends that love you.... and the sons who needed their father. Leaving behind nothing but what ifs and whys. The most prevalent example I have for when things get hard, is to quit, and quit big, which leads to thoughts that should never cross anyone's mind... let alone a confused teenager in a crazy uncertain world. Its sad to think about anyone who goes through the thought that things will never get better, and nothing is worth living for, let alone your own father. I will say though, for better or for worse, this experience has had a huge impact on who I am today, and everything happens for a reason, that reason is not yet known to me but someday. I know one day i will see my father again, and I will be able to tell him that everything is ok... Until then, memories, stories, and pictures will have to do.