Then why did you leave?

So I have had a lot on my mind lately. More than I can blog about right now. But tonight, I had some unexpected guest's. Story first though. When my father was still alive, 16 years ago, he disappeared for a while. He left without telling my family where he went. Turns out he ended up in Kansas. While he was there he made friends with a Mennonite family and helped them on their farm, and what not and stayed there for several months. They really liked him. So these people kept in touch with my grandma. They were in town tonight and stopped by. They seem like some of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever met. It was nice to hear some stuff about my dad... I know so little about him, it was good to get a non-family perspective. It was interesting talking about him because normally these kind of stories are told while the person is there, recalling on their adventures... my dad was very much not there. It was a nice visit, but it was hard for one reason. The sweet old lady Lorraine kept saying "your dad had a picture of you boys, and oh he was so proud and loved you guys so much" and if you could see how she was saying it, with such excitement, sincerity, and just the look on her face... You would want to believe her. And I do. But it was hard to hear that, because if he loved us so much then why did he leave us like he did... Suicide is so terrible.... it leaves so many doubts, and questions without answers.... such a feeling of inadequacy... and absolutley no closure at all. Always a little void, never able to be filled. I know I was young and its not our fault, and there are things i couldn't understand, nor will I ever understand, but thats just it. There will always be "What if?" and "Why?" Sometimes its hard and sometimes i find myself feeling mad about it, and I hate that so much, its a terrible feeling. In other News... Ross fell through, I had the job, but it got all messed up... so here i am. 6 months from a mission with no second job, and barley 17 hours a week at my only job and its stressing me out big time... Im going to keep trying but damn.... life has a funny way of kicking you when your down.