I want to be in love. Real love. Wait... what is real love?

You know before i started this, i had a bunch of ideas of what i was going to write about in this particular blog, on the subject in my title line. I think all the ideas have disappeared. I don't know why but lately i have been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay emotional about this particular subject... even more than normal for my Blue self. I Just want to be in love. Although only 20, I am pretty confident i know what love is. Not true. I have no idea, because love, love is a word. Something used to try and classify a wide range of feelings, and quite frankly it fails miserably. I have said this before, but real feelings, cant be put into words.... Because they can only be felt. And that's what i want to feel. I want to feel every range of the emotional spectrum that is love. I want to find a girl who makes my heart stop beating every time i see her smile, that can be my ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. A sparkle in her eye that puts the stars to shame. I want when i hug her, for my heart to melt, and for her to know that I'm 100% hers, and i want her to be 100% mine. I want to find someone who i can spend eternity with... and i want it to seem like even that, isn't long enough to be together. I want a girl who i can spoil, and love with no reservations, one that i can let my guard down completely with and who can do the same with me. I want to be with my best friend. I want to kiss her and feel a spark that makes me weak in the knees every time, even when were old and wrinkly. I want to find the one will will help me bring children into this world . I want to be accepted for everything i am, and more importantly for everything im not, and i want to love her for the same. Don't get me wrong, love is work, I understand this, nothing is perfect, but i want to find someone who is willing to work at it with me. To spend as long as it takes getting it right, because I believe in the end "Love" can and will conquer all. It's weird, because i thought i had this once, ( yea yea, im only 20, i get it) and let me tell you... I wanted to be able to open my chest, and show her how my heart only beat that way for her, how i would make sure that she would never EVER feel like i didn't care, or ever have to know what lonely felt like ever again. I felt like although there were a lot of things in the world that were crazy and uncertain, that my love for her was a constant. She was the only girl i saw, and wanted to see. Really, words dont describe how i felt, they never could and maybe that was the problem that I always tried, and just never got it right... There where times when i know she felt the same but... Feelings change... and that's the kicker... whos to say there gonna last? There are no guarantees it will last forever right? Sure you can say it will, but who really knows? Its hard to really know if any of this is real. If its not just some crazy Illusion. Maybe love is just settling for something that works, and with time eventually becomes a fragment of what its true potential is, and maybe that has to be good enough..... I have been watching a lot of romantic comedies lately, and you know what. Life isn't like that... It doesnt always work out perfect, Cameron Diaz doesn't always say yes after she divorces you and lets you keep all the money.... Sara Jessica Parker doesn't always decide she does love you and wants to be with you forever, that the whole getting paid to date you thing was a mistake. How do you turn your heart off though? I know i can't... Anyways I dont really know where im going with this whole blog.... I just know that right now i have about a zillion different emotions running through my head, and these words are the closest thing I can do to get them out and clear some space so i can get a decent nights sleep for the first time in a long time.... Clearly im in no place for a relationship with anyone... Which i guess is good, i have priorities right now that take precedent anyway....

Yikes....