Just a thought or two.

Sometimes it feels like "I can't" instead of I don't want to...

2009-06-19T00:02:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a good one. Bear with me.

Then why did you leave?

2009-04-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

So I have had a lot on my mind lately. More than I can blog about right now. But tonight, I had some unexpected guest's. Story first though. When my father was still alive, 16 years ago, he disappeared for a while. He left without telling my family where he went. Turns out he ended up in Kansas. While he was there he made friends with a Mennonite family and helped them on their farm, and what not and stayed there for several months. They really liked him. So these people kept in touch with my grandma. They were in town tonight and stopped by. They seem like some of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever met. It was nice to hear some stuff about my dad... I know so little about him, it was good to get a non-family perspective. It was interesting talking about him because normally these kind of stories are told while the person is there, recalling on their adventures... my dad was very much not there. It was a nice visit, but it was hard for one reason. The sweet old lady Lorraine kept saying "your dad had a picture of you boys, and oh he was so proud and loved you guys so much" and if you could see how she was saying it, with such excitement, sincerity, and just the look on her face... You would want to believe her. And I do. But it was hard to hear that, because if he loved us so much then why did he leave us like he did... Suicide is so terrible.... it leaves so many doubts, and questions without answers.... such a feeling of inadequacy... and absolutley no closure at all. Always a little void, never able to be filled. I know I was young and its not our fault, and there are things i couldn't understand, nor will I ever understand, but thats just it. There will always be "What if?" and "Why?" Sometimes its hard and sometimes i find myself feeling mad about it, and I hate that so much, its a terrible feeling. In other News... Ross fell through, I had the job, but it got all messed up... so here i am. 6 months from a mission with no second job, and barley 17 hours a week at my only job and its stressing me out big time... Im going to keep trying but damn.... life has a funny way of kicking you when your down.

Im scared.

2009-02-15T18:35:00.001-08:00

Sometimes i will take just a moment, and think about something. I don't plan it but I will be sitting and all of a sudden i just get a weird feeling and think. This occurred today at church as i was sitting during passing time. I didn't like the thought that i had. I was reflecting, and all of a sudden, I found myself wondering "who the hell am I?" And for a moment i didn't know... I mean 9 months ago i was a completely different person than I am now. New faith, new friends... new life. NEW EVERYTHING. Everything for the past 9 months has been going well, bumps in the road for sure, but overall a good sense of direction and purpose in life. And today i lost everything for a second, its like I'm standing outside looking at myself wondering where I went, and wondering who this person was. It was so surreal, It was like i was sitting in the passenger seat of life watching someone else at the wheel of mine. Ever since i can remember i have been afraid of change, I still am in a lot of ways. I can't make decisions on anything of significance, or even stupid decisions, because im afraid to shut the door on anything else that might come, which let me tell you has muffed a lot of opprotunity in my 20 years of existance. I guess everything has been happening so fast I havn't had time to be scared, and I've just run with it. Today it all came down so hard and so fast that it caught me completley off gaurd. I am scared of who I was, and not even realizing the fact that I am who I've become. But Most of all I'm afraid i might just be happy where I end up, but not letting myself get there... I also hate the fact that I feel like i have no one to turn to accept this stupid blog. DAMN YOU BLOG. poop

I guess its ok to feel like your losing everything because it means you thought you had it all to begin with. Oh wait, that still sucks.

2009-02-05T23:42:00.001-08:00

So once again, I find myself a bit down in the dumps. Which is unfortunate, because things were going really well for the space of 3ish days. I know there must be opposition in all things, but Dang.... can't sometimes something just go right and not have an equally or greater bad thing go wrong? Please? I am sometimes amazed how i can deal with being alive really. No im not crazy or suicidal, but im just saying. The crap i put myself through emotionally on a daily basis amazes me. Its like the think part of my brain says"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" to the emotion part thats saying "DONT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE!" Every day is a battle like that. Not to mention there could be a million things going right in my life, but i will pick out the 1 crappy detail and focus on it until the point where i make myself sick over it. Who does that?! what the hell is my problem? I just want to be happy and stay happy... HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. Ive been praying quite a bit lately for help. But i don't think i want help if that makes sense? Because its been my experience that prayer will help, not neccisarily make it all better, but help. But something in me wont accept the help, and if i wont accept it then it cant help ya know? Does this make sense at all? Probablly not, thats what i get for eating 2 donuts and drinking an energy drink late at night for dinner. A late night emotional mess. I hate feelings. I guess that what i get for growing up without a dad... I look like a man, act like a man, smell like a man, play rugby like a man, and am a man, but have the emotions of a girl. Not cool. Everything is going to be ok... or maybe it wont? No one really knows.

Wrote in on facebook, so why not here too.

2009-01-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

So many people are jumping on the Note band wagon, I figure i might as well too. I have been a bit down lately, and when i get like that i tend to think about stuff and evaluate life etc and what came to my mind first was getting baptize... For those of you who do not know, I was baptized about 9 months ago. I became a member of the restored church of Jesus Christ. Aka The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon). This was probably the biggest decision i have made in my life. Everything became different. Everything, I lost a lot of my closest friends, made some of the best friends i have ever had, changed my outlook and perspective on life, changed my course in life, like i said Life Just COMPLETELY changed... In a way who I am now, hated who I had been, and that isin't easy to deal with all the time. I have gotten A LOT of crap about this from pretty much every important person in my life. Accept from, my Mom, and my Great Grandma (who is a Momo). I expected a lot of the crap, because if you knew me pre-mormon days, you would have probably given me crap too. Hell sometimes i want to give myself crap. If you told me a year ago that I would get baptized, start attending church regularly, loving church, loving Jesus, and then plan on spending 2 years of my life being one of those guys I once would tell to get lost when they came to my door, I would call you a liar, and probably punch you in the face. But now, I don't want to think of life any other way. I really don't, in fact I can't. This conversion story has been shared with a lot of My Momo friends but now I am writing it on here to share it with some of my non-member friends. I started dating a girl who was a Member. She was an amazing girl, loved her to death. As i said, she was a member, so naturally she asked me to come to church with her, (In Mormon talk this is referred to as "Flirt To Convert") and of course i went. I figured it will probably give me more ammo to make fun of them and see how crazy they really are. I was right. It did. I thought wow Mormons are crazy. So later Kristen and I broke up, and I didn't go for a while. Then Kristen and I were still friends, so once again she asked me to go... Im a sucker for a pretty face so i went. This time, it was a little less weird. Again some time later we went again, and that time, i even liked it. So Kristen left for college ( we started dating again), I started talking to the Missionaries, Elder Jacox and Elder Jackson. Two of the coolest people I have ever met, pretty much my best friends. Love those guys. So i take the discussions and learn some stuff. They ask me to read and pray, so I did. One time I prayed, for real, the most sincere prayer i ever had in my entire life, not some rehearsed bull crap or anything like that, and I asked if anyone was up there, and if this hodge podge in the Book Of Mormon I was reading was true... I got a very deliberate answer, it was a resounding yes. Which mean Joseph Smith was a prophet (yes a prophet, not jesus or god or anything of that sort). I can't tell you exactly how my answer went, because it was felt more than completely understood. So yada yada a few more lessons and BAM, I got dunked. During the time i was deciding to get baptized there was a lot of opposition, myspace messages, phone calls at 2am telling me I'm crazy and have no idea what I'm doing, but i still decided it was for the best. So about a week after I was baptized, I broke up with Kristen, well she broke up with me but that's besides the point. I am not going to go into this story because its not pretty, even though i think it would just strengthen my choice about continuing to be a member. After this, the first thing everyone asked wasn't "Hey Mike are you ok? Or "Hey Mike what happened?" it was "Hey Mike, are you still Mormon?" (I suppose it was justified) but sure enough I was, yes still am. I know crazy, i didn't do it for a girl. I now plan to serve a Mission in the fall of this year. People often ask me questions, and try to make me contradict myself to prove how silly Mormons are. To them i say this. So what If I am wrong? What if when I die, nothing happens, and I just die? I tell you what, I am living a better life because of my belief and faith. I live life with a deeper sense of purpose and understanding. I live life with a constant love that comes from something, that can express more feeling than the human heart could dare to dream about or comprehend. I live with a knowledge my heavenly father loves me, and Jesus Christ died to save me, and everyone else. When i get married, I get to love as if it will last forever, because it will, which is the only way love should be felt, as the forever kind. I am taught and try to demonstrate the teachings that, every soul counts, and that I should love every person for who they are and who they are not. I know there is more to life than just life itself. So your right, I don't drink, or do drugs, or have meaningless sex with every girl I can. If i wanted to I could, I can do whatever i want, just as anyone else can. I choose not to, sure some things seem strange, but its all for my benefit in this life and the next, and the things I gain, far outweigh the things i "lose". I am not claiming to know it all, or have all the answers nor am I saying I'm better than anyone else. I am also not saying life is going to be a breeze from now on, or telling you life isin't hard. However I am telling you what i believe and what I feel. So bring on the questions, and the jokes, the attempts to un-convert me, and whatever else you desire. I won't always have the answer or reaction you want, but I will be glad to do my best to explain what i do know.

We ran away, now all my friends are gone,Maybe we’ve outgrown all the things that we once loved

2009-01-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Life is funny, well not really funny, but if i don't laugh then im prone to cry, and it's not pretty when a grown man cries. Ok so maybe i wouldn't cry, but i might go off the deep end, if i haven't already? Just when i thought i was getting ahead, making things happen, and things were going seemingly well, you know a step forward in life... BAM! 2 steps right back. It's hard being optomistic when things are going wrong, but i guess those are the defining moments in life right? What we do in the face of adversity defines who we are, in a way. It's hard though, adversity isin't fun, and were supposed to be strong, and push through but sometimes i just want to give up. Im not always strong, (I know this may shock some of you) what if, try as I may, i just dont make it? What then? When is the point where we decide weather or not we need to push on, or give up? And what if we just need to give up? I found this quote when i was googling random quotes to try and help put words to my feelings; "Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus." When i read this, It made a lot of sense. Things that we learn from (not all) but things we really learn from, often take a piece of us. We learn our lesson, we love another person hard, and it fails, we pay the price, that person gets a piece of us we never get back. We put our heart and soul into something and it fails, it takes a piece of us. We have a friendship that means the world to us, and something just doesn't go right along the way, another piece gone. Each leaving a little scar, each experience hardening us a little bit more, Yes we learned from it, but not without some type of dividen paid. I bought a journal in hopes of being able to use it, but I found i don't like too. I have these thoughts and feelings that normally i would just bottle up and let build up till they all come out and i have a bad day/week. My plan was to write them down and maybe get it off my chest, but i really don't like being alone with my own thoughts sometimes, so I really havn't taken advantage of my journal. On a lighter note, I went on a ride along Saturday with my friend Brad. It was awesome, i seriously can't wait to be a cop. I saw dirty rednecks almost get tazed, and then get arrested for brawling, people who drive crappy and get pulled over, people who get pulled over for some ridiculous reason (usually my fault because i would be like "hey that guy did that, can we pull him over?") And then some guy tried to throw his weed in his neighbors yard after beating his wife, got taken to the slammer. We ( Brad, myself, and like 6 other cops) sat at starbucks for like 45 minutes just talking, we stopped for 2 dinners, a delicious energy drink etc... The best part of the night though for sure, was driving really fast through the streets with the lights and sirens on.

I should be asleep... But alas I am not.

2009-01-15T00:38:00.000-08:00

Words always failing me...

2009-01-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

;dzlkfng; avhegpglav; jalejhaef;kmb[aejhty[oaejib[oma5[oyjhl;ethaehjaephjaepgjma'vl;kmae[oijh{oijae[hoji Yes. Like that. But happy. I just feel good. Thats all. Things are gonna be just fine.

I want to be in love. Real love. Wait... what is real love?

2008-12-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

You know before i started this, i had a bunch of ideas of what i was going to write about in this particular blog, on the subject in my title line. I think all the ideas have disappeared. I don't know why but lately i have been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay emotional about this particular subject... even more than normal for my Blue self. I Just want to be in love. Although only 20, I am pretty confident i know what love is. Not true. I have no idea, because love, love is a word. Something used to try and classify a wide range of feelings, and quite frankly it fails miserably. I have said this before, but real feelings, cant be put into words.... Because they can only be felt. And that's what i want to feel. I want to feel every range of the emotional spectrum that is love. I want to find a girl who makes my heart stop beating every time i see her smile, that can be my ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. A sparkle in her eye that puts the stars to shame. I want when i hug her, for my heart to melt, and for her to know that I'm 100% hers, and i want her to be 100% mine. I want to find someone who i can spend eternity with... and i want it to seem like even that, isn't long enough to be together. I want a girl who i can spoil, and love with no reservations, one that i can let my guard down completely with and who can do the same with me. I want to be with my best friend. I want to kiss her and feel a spark that makes me weak in the knees every time, even when were old and wrinkly. I want to find the one will will help me bring children into this world . I want to be accepted for everything i am, and more importantly for everything im not, and i want to love her for the same. Don't get me wrong, love is work, I understand this, nothing is perfect, but i want to find someone who is willing to work at it with me. To spend as long as it takes getting it right, because I believe in the end "Love" can and will conquer all. It's weird, because i thought i had this once, ( yea yea, im only 20, i get it) and let me tell you... I wanted to be able to open my chest, and show her how my heart only beat that way for her, how i would make sure that she would never EVER feel like i didn't care, or ever have to know what lonely felt like ever again. I felt like although there were a lot of things in the world that were crazy and uncertain, that my love for her was a constant. She was the only girl i saw, and wanted to see. Really, words dont describe how i felt, they never could and maybe that was the problem that I always tried, and just never got it right... There where times when i know she felt the same but... Feelings change... and that's the kicker... whos to say there gonna last? There are no guarantees it will last forever right? Sure you can say it will, but who really knows? Its hard to really know if any of this is real. If its not just some crazy Illusion. Maybe love is just settling for something that works, and with time eventually becomes a fragment of what its true potential is, and maybe that has to be good enough..... I have been watching a lot of romantic comedies lately, and you know what. Life isn't like that... It doesnt always work out perfect, Cameron Diaz doesn't always say yes after she divorces you and lets you keep all the money.... Sara Jessica Parker doesn't always decide she does love you and wants to be with you forever, that the whole getting paid to date you thing was a mistake. How do you turn your heart off though? I know i can't... Anyways I dont really know where im going with this whole blog.... I just know that right now i have about a zillion different emotions running through my head, and these words are the closest thing I can do to get them out and clear some space so i can get a decent nights sleep for the first time in a long time.... Clearly im in no place for a relationship with anyone... Which i guess is good, i have priorities right now that take precedent anyway....

Yikes....

I took one last look from the heights that I once loved, then i ran like hell...

2008-12-19T01:07:00.000-08:00

Here i am again... Having to leave for work shortly, blogging into the wee hours of the morning. This is becoming quite the bad habit. Anyways... I love snow. I don't love having to pick up my co-worker early and drive her to work, but you know, its nice to be able to help I suppose. I finally have been able to use my 4 wheel drive, and let me tell you it is AMAZING. I love it. I really do. Work has been stresfull lately, lots of packages... lots. I might get laid off after the holliday season, thats the economy for ya... and let me tell you, that would totally suck... Im going to visit my grandparents in longview tomorrow, I enjoy spending time with them, so hopefully i dont die on the way. Life is going pretty well right now... Its almost christmas which is awesome. New year is starting, also awesome. With the new year, i have re-commited to my fitness goals. I want to get down to 215-218 lbs. at 12% body fat. I lost 70 pounds a little over a year ago, and gained about 30 back.... So i need to lose that 30 and get LEAN. I understand i will never be ripped, but thats ok, I just want to be big, with some deep cuts and defenition... and have less belly. So wish me luck on that, and if you see me eating sweets, or things that are not good for me, tell me to stop. Ok that aside... I heard this defenition once for "Stupid" which i thought was really clever "Doing the same thing expecting different results." And lately I have been really stupid. The exact thing i am doing I won't go into detail about, but its a slippery slope. I have been down this road before, and every time, i am let down... in a big way. Yet every time i do the same thing, and expect things to be different.... I wish i could stop, i really do, but i cant. Seriously. I try and try, and somehow i always end up right back where i started. Its getting old. Stupid feelings, why cant they just leave me the hell alone? anyways time for work. Good day all! and Happy Hollidays!

Its cold

2008-12-16T01:20:00.000-08:00

So i have to leave for work in about 20 minutes. I didn't go to sleep tonight, which ill probably regret later, but that's life. I don't really know what to blog about, but i just wanted to blog. Just get some thoughts out of my head. Things lately have been going pretty good. A few new friendships made, some spiritual experiences gained, and some heightened sense of worth and reason. As the days pass I want more and more to go on a mission. It's kind of a scary thought, leaving for 2 years, to a place where i know no one, and have to rely soley on my faith and convictions to be a reflector on the path to the light that is Jesus Christ, especially being so new to my faith. Thats an interesting concept, "new to my faith" I sometimes forget that life hasn't always had as much meaning as it does now, It almost feels like i have always been mormon, accept for the lack of certain knowledge which is slow coming, but coming none the less. As I was saying, its a scary thought, but at the same time its very intruiging... I want to be able to give people who lack purpose, or understanding of why they are here, the answers that they are searching for, and if they are not willing to accept them, at least some spiritual food for thought. I want to bring a joy into peoples life that will fill them from their toes to the top of their head, a kind of joy that is everlasting, the kind that i now know. Its been a crazy 7 months, tell me back then that i would soon be mormon, and planning to serve a mission 8 months ago, and i probablly would have punched you... Or just laughed in your face (I know shame on me)... but yet some how, some way I am here. Being a convert i get asked a lot "so why did you join the church?" and I give different answers at different times because there is more than just one reason. It is hard though, because there are a lot of reasons that can be described in words, but the real reason for my joining can only be felt... Its that tingling of affirmation that this is the right choice, its the feeling of completion that I have never really felt before... Its a knowledge and sense of peace that absolutely can not be explained in words. It just can't, beleive me, I have tried. Maybe its better that way, the best feelings in life can't be explained in words, because FEELINGS is what they are... Im not saying everything is perfect now, in fact, some things in life have become harder and some things have happend that quite frankly, really suck. My newly aquired faith is not the answer to all of lifes problems... for me its a means to understand them, and put them in perspective, and a plan to get me to where i need, and now WANT to be. There are still days that are dark, but the ones that are light are far more frequent. Anyways, i have more to say but have to go to work.

TO BE CONTINUED....

There is a fine line between being a good friend, and a doormat....

2008-12-09T22:05:00.000-08:00

Songs that have changed my life (in no particular order)

2008-12-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

1. Miserable At Best- Mayday Parade
-We have all been there, broken hearted, left for emotionally dead on the side of the road that we call life. Dropped like a bad habbit from someone we love, and we thought loved us. I being blue, feel very strongly and seldomly have the words to describe the angst I am feeling. This song sums up every heartbreak i have ever felt and puts it in the a catchy relatable tune. This song gives me hope that I am not the only one who has been kicked in the emotional testicles. I feel like they know who I am, and are like "oh man, we wrote this song for you, and that girl who ripped your heart out"

Ok so i got lazy and decided to end it here.

Angry.

2008-12-05T16:36:00.000-08:00

Ok so im pretty aggravated right now, so instead of complaining and pointing out all the negative things about right now, I am going to talk about things that are making me happy, and that are going good. Last sunday I got my Patriarichal blessing reccomend, which I guess is a big Mormon deal, so I am excited about that. I just have to call and make my appointments. HopefullyI will be puting my Mission papers in in August, had a nice chat with the Bishop and thats the plan, we shall see. I think its just gonna come down to saving up, so ill have to get a second job this summer i think, and just work my butt off. I am really excited about the thought of going on a Mission. Theres a lot to learn, A LOT, but the big man upstairs is a pretty good teacher so im not worried about it. From the sounds of it, it should be pretty exciting and spiritual. Monday was FHE, it was a pretty good lesson from Brother Ard, although it was a Bible/BOM quiz and i tanked it, but I have only been "religious" for about 6 months, what can ya do? I did get like 6 out of 30 or so right, or was it out of 40? I dont remember. Hmmm Tuesday... I had to work at 2:45, but got out nice and early so that was cool. I do not really recall the events of the evening of tuesday, scary. Wednesday I worked out, and did Water Aerobics. Let me tell you about water aerobics. I was at the gym with joel, and we were in the hot tub and the class was about to start, and jokingly we were gonna do it. So after joking about it a bit, i was intrigued so I was like "lets do it". So we did. I thought it was going to be a breeze because Joel and I were the only ones under 55 in the class. Let me tell you, it was the first time I have ever sweat in a pool. I will be going back thats for sure. Thursday was a good day. Thursday is my FAVORITE day of the week, It's nice because Relief is coming, the day after is friday, and the weekend. Its hard to explain, i just like them. I went to Institute and that was a good time, I also worked out with Mathew, good workout, I am still sore. Im looking forward to the weekend, Christmas Kickoff party on saturday, hott date tonight, and Sunday I am bringing Chicken & Cheese Enchiladas and Cherry Pie for break the fast, so your gonna wanna be there for that.

I am not amused.

2008-12-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

A lot has happend in the last month. I wish i would have written it down as it was happening because i forgot exactly what i wanted to say about a lot of the events that have unfolded. Oh well you live and you learn. So I have decided i am going to let my self go, physically speaking. Being fat things were a lot easier. People wanted to be your friend for your personality, not your sweet guns, and girls like when your really nice, and they dont want anything other than your friendship cuz your fat. Sorry if I am offending anyone fat, but i used to be a lot more fat so I can talk about it all I want. Thanksgiving was good. Went to Longview and saw some aunts, uncles, cousins, gandparents... Good times. I was watching some of the gay protests at the Temples because of Prop 8, and i found myself disgusted with them. I know, I know, im not supposed to judge, but I can't help it. How can you justify standing outside of a place as holy as the temple, in cross dress, and yelling "satan worshipers" or "tax the mormon church" Clearly the depths of their ignorance is as vast as the confusion of their sexual desires. I won't get started on why Gay mairrage is the most ridiculous concept ever. I just think its funny when people are fighting for something that has no real valid points, how quickly they turn to slander and made up things that are ridiculous, un-true, and irrelevant to cover up the hollow arguement for their point. The holiday season is here. Work starts as early as 2:45 this week, and its only earlier from there. Im excited for christmas parties. Im done for now.

a big one is coming.

2008-11-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

a big blog is coming. Its been brewing for a while.

Understanding.

2008-11-12T15:11:00.000-08:00

Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus. I found this quote the other day , and I like it a lot. Make so much sense.

Im not sure

2008-11-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

I feel like i have a lot to say today. At the same time i don't really know what to say. You ever feel like you have a bunch of stuff running through your head about everyone and everything? It's kind of overwhelming really. Sometimes i just wish i could turn off the thought process, and feelings too for that matter. Ok i gotta stop now.

I feel old.

2008-11-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

So right now, i am eating a Peanut Buster Parfait. That's right. I am 20 years old, and if i want to eat ice cream for breakfast, I will. That being said. The last couple of days, i feel like i'm 50, not 20. My back hurts all the time, I'm constantly sore, and i don't feel physically 20. Last night, a Friday night mind you. I went to bed at 8:30! What kind of self respecting 20 year old man goes to bed at 8:30 on a Friday? Nope, i had nothing to wake up early for either. Lastly, why i feel like a geezer, i went to a concert on Thursday night, it was really good and i enjoyed it, but when the last band was playing, i was tired of standing, my body hurt, and dare i say it... the music seemed to loud, so we left during the last act.... I know, what the hell is wrong with me? Anyways the point is, I don't like this at all. I need to snap out of it, sleep all day, party all night, get in fights, listen to loud music etc.... I need to get out of these old people diapers and get back on the track of being a hell-raiser. OK that's enough about that. I find that compound meaning blogs work better for me than a blog with just one theme. So yesterday i went to my grandparents house in Longview. It was nice, i helped put lamnant tiling in the bathroom, helped replaced the wax ring in the toilet, put up some lighting outside, and other various tasks They payed me a 100$ for it, which is cool becaust its like getting paid for doing chores while getting to hang out with them. My grandparents like me, Im going to make and effort to go there more, not for the money though. My grandpa has a bad back and so he gets depressed and angry but when i come he tends to forget about it, and for that day we have a good time, and hes not in the best of health so it wont hurt. Plus hes funny and tells some of the craziest stories i have ever heard. Alright. time to go clean the church. I got a lot off my chest this morning.

Weird mood.

2008-11-03T13:27:00.000-08:00

So for the last few days, I have been in a weird mood. I'm not sure what exactly to attribute this to. Anyways quick recap of the last few days. Thursday was pretty uneventful, just felt like death. Friday was pretty Awesome... Work sucked, but then i came home and got to take a nice nap. Natalie came over and we hung out for a bit. For the evening Halloween festivities I went to Brittany Binghams sister's house, It was a good time. Mormon dances... what can i say about them.... There interesting that's for sure. On Saturday I won my rugby game 51-8, I scored 3 tries and probably played the best game of my life. Went to Joe's to watch ghost busters. Sunday was good, lots of good food. OK enough recap. Yesterday my father would have been 43 years old had he not decided to take his own life. I can't think of what he would be like had he been here, and that bothers me... I didn't even know him. Most of the time I like to think his suicide doesn't really effect me because I had no control over it, but I'm sure it does on some level. Like my issues with fear of abandonment and things of that nature. It's interesting because there's pictures of him all over this house and yet most of the time i don't give the fact hes not here a second thought. I can barely remember things about him from when he was here, and it seems as the years go by the memories fade more and more, replaced with subtle images from things we may or may not have done... Sometimes i don't even know if what i call memories are even real. If there not just some happy picture my mind paints to fill in the void left of not having a father due to tragic circumstances. It feels as though soon he will just be a name and a picture which is sad, but I only knew him until i was 4, and he wasn't around all that much during those 4 years anyway. However on certain occasions, such as his birthday, and the day of his death, I can't avoid certain thoughts and feelings. I can't help but think how different things could have been, it sends my mind all over the place, who knows how things would have turned out? I guess I shouldn't dwell on it because what's done is done and there is no coming back from death, not in this life. I also tend to think about what it would be like to be in such a place, that death is the only option. A place where the only relief comes from a way out, with no way back in. I can't fathom pain that can only be subdued by a self inflicted bullet to end it all... the form of relief only brought by an exit from the world where you leave behind the family and friends that love you.... and the sons who needed their father. Leaving behind nothing but what ifs and whys. The most prevalent example I have for when things get hard, is to quit, and quit big, which leads to thoughts that should never cross anyone's mind... let alone a confused teenager in a crazy uncertain world. Its sad to think about anyone who goes through the thought that things will never get better, and nothing is worth living for, let alone your own father. I will say though, for better or for worse, this experience has had a huge impact on who I am today, and everything happens for a reason, that reason is not yet known to me but someday. I know one day i will see my father again, and I will be able to tell him that everything is ok... Until then, memories, stories, and pictures will have to do.

Hmmm

2008-10-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

This being positive thing is a lot harder than I had anticipated. It is just way to easy to be negative, in fact, it seems like the world encourages it. Plus why do we always have to be positive? Who said being negative was that bad anyway? I feel that in life you need balance, you need extremes for both sides of an issue to make the world work, its unfortunate, but that's the way it is. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. True story. Anyways the point is, maybe I'm just supposed to be the pessimist to the optimists in my life? The more i fight it the worse i will fell. So why not just accept my fate and go on my pessimistic, negative, un-positive way? On a side note, today when I was driving home from my afternoon appointment, i had a weird flashback to the horrid trip i took to Idaho about 6 months ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have tried to block it out, like some sort of crappy dream, but alas today it came roaring back. It was so surreal, I honestly think I try to play it off like it didn't happen because it was so emotionally devastating that If i accept that it really happened then i will go off the deep end. It was such an emotional crash after such an emotional high, Like being atop Mt. Everest one moment (being baptized and confirmed) and then plunging to Marianas Trench. (It's near Guam and is 35,840 feet (10,924 m) deep.) (Making that trip and having everything as i knew it come tumbling down on my shoulders). The worst part about it was having 10 hours to sit by myself and think about everything that was ever said, and what a load of Bull*hit it must have all been. Now that i think about it, it makes me so angry that someone who claimed to love me could do that to me... like angry beyond words. I mean everything happens for a reason, sure, but ugh... Like i said, it hit me like a ton of bricks today, and I don't like to dwell (thats a lie because i really do, clearly), but it seems as though My brain is trying to tell my heart to deal with it, rationalize it (although there is clearly nothing rational about the situation), accept it, and let it go... let her go, instead of just dismissing it and keeping it locked away in some small desolate corner of my being. Don't get me wrong, I have made leaps and bounds in the last few months, and am more Ok about it now than i thought i would be, but there is still a bit of linger.... anyways thats all.

Things that make me happy.

2008-10-27T11:04:00.001-07:00

-My family
- Friday nights with gummy bears and great company on the most comfy bed ever
-Workouts with my friends
-Workouts alone
-Rugby
-Members of the late and great square
-Church on sundays, and church related activities in general
-My real friends
-Getting out of work early enough to catch the sunrise over Mt. Hood
-Weekends when i dont have to work.
-Watching football
-Talking with Sam about girls and how silly they are
-Exchanges with my Missionary buddies
-Naps, Naps, NAPS
-Naps
-Motorcycle rides on sunny afternoons
-Long drives to no where in particular for no particular reason

I have been thinking about life a lot lately. I find myself being to wrapped up in where i need to be and just wanting to be there. The fun in life is getting there, and ultimatley never having a "there" to get to. Sure there are things i want to accomplish and its important to have goals, but life isin't a destination. It's a journey with certain stops that need to be made on the way. When I get to the end, i want to be able to say I lived for the moment, took everything for what it was worth, and enjoyed the ride. I may not make all the stops i think i need to right now, but I have faith that when it comes down to i,t I will be where i wanted and needed to be. So from this moment on, It's time to enjoy the ride, and im gonna try my hardest to do so. Care to join me?

Hmmm

2008-10-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

I think i should be more posotive... Strike that, I KNOW i should be more posotive. So im going to work on it. It's not gonna be easy, and it probablly wont actually happen, but I will try.

Why relationships suck, and why i never want to be in one again. Feelings generally suck as well.

2008-10-19T22:07:00.001-07:00

Ok so i have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I was talking to red square about this a week or so ago, and she being quite wise, agreed with me that, relationships suck because of all the time invested in them and the seemingly ZERO return you get from them. Im sure we don't agree on the last part. But the part where its hard to continually invest so much of yourself and time into someone and not have it work out. I personally feel quite discouraged at the thought of any relationship with a girl any time soon, maybe even ever (i know thats ridiculous but its my blog ill say what i want) because they are stupid. I have been in 2 "serious" relationships. Yes im only 20, so say what you want about how at this age i dont know any better blah blah blah.... The point is im old enough to be able to decide how i feel, and weather or not i like something. Anyways as i was saying, In both those relationships I feel like i gave a lot... I invested my time, feelings, thoughts... hell i invested a lot of my life really in them, and for what? Some stupid "experience" i can learn from? If i take the apparent learnings from these relationships then i will take the fact that i cant trust what any girl ever says, despite how good her intentions are at the time, because in the end she has no idea what she wants. It's been 2 for 2 in that case for me. And you know, it's ok I understand not knowing what you wan't in life, being un-sure etc... I get that... I really do. What i don't get is why they didnt just end it when it was confusing or just tell me. DO NOT TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME or anything of the sort if you are not sure you mean it. I have never told anyone I loved them without meaning it 100000%. So if you do not feel the same WAY then let it be known, don't tell me you do and then decide later you dont, or at the time you did but within a few weeks allow it to change. I think i might be getting off point a little bit. Ok so anyways. It's just frustrating to spend so much time getting to know someone, and letting them get to know you, ALL of you. Then after learning and letting learn, to Love someone for what they are and what they aren't, and thinking they love you too (once again do not play the age card, im well aware of how old i am) and then having it litterally fall apart and mean pretty much nothing in the long run sucks. It's ridiculous, I feel like i gave all I had, and it wasn't enough, so why try again, the offer was out there, and it looked good, but when it comes down to it, they want to see what else is out there. So why should I keep putting myself out there? Should I hope that my stuff will eventually be good enough for one of the ones still looking for something better? Hmmmm no thanks. So from now on, I will only put out what i get in the first place, Im sick of being the one who gets the shaft, I can't take it. So im not saying its this way forever, but for now, i refuse to put my heart on the line again for a girl.

Moral of the story. I have become emotionally lazy; I don't want to invest myself in a relationship, because im tired of trying and failing.

Um...

2008-10-05T12:41:00.001-07:00

Happy =+)

Nonsense

2008-10-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

I don’t want to be happy
I don’t want to be sad
No more smiles or tears
No more feelings to be had
I don’t want any more questions
I don’t want answers just the same
No more reasons to be mad
No more people to blame
I don’t want anymore fighting
I don’t want anymore Serenity
No more winning or losing
No more reasons for enemies
I don’t want anymore love
I don’t want anymore hate
No more reason to feel
No more reason to wait
I don’t want you
I don’t want me
No more relationships
No more reason to be
I don’t want a tomorrow
I don’t even want today
No more reasons to keep going
No more reasons to stay
I want absolutley nothing
I want everything too
So many choices to pick
So much life to choose

sometimes i like to write stuff. Or type i guess you could say.

I have learned...

2008-09-21T02:58:00.000-07:00

that the reason i have accomplished nothing in my life is I'm afraid of missing out on things. I try to do everything, and i get scared that by choosing one path, i close the door on another. I never devote myself to anything entirely because if it fails, then i wasted my time on that and missed out on something else. I know in life we have to make decisions, but i don't like it. My problem is i wait to long, and the decisions happen, instead of me choosing I'm forced to adapt instead of being pro-active and creating change that I want for myself. I am so focused on trying to keep things the same, comfortable, that i miss out on life itself. I want to be friends with everyone, have relationships with everyone, do everything, and experience every aspect of life. I'm so afraid to just get a direction in life, that i get overwhelmed with the feeling that i will never accomplish anything and be stuck at a crappy job, with fair-weather friends, a sub par life and ultimately die cold and alone... I'm 20... i should not feel like that at all. But all i can do is seem to focus on the negative things that i messed up on in life as apposed to all the good things that have come out of the situations i have been, and currently am in. The worst part of all is that i recognize this problem, but have no idea how to fix it. Dang.